This is something I normally would have just posted here, but this may be a sign that I've been fully converted to livejournal since I have now broken my no whiny ranty posts with this:
stalkers, "bones", and blocks
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Livejournal has stolen my heart
Once again, it has been a while since I updated. I'm been a little enthralled with livejournal so I have been posting stories, responses to the law and order challenges, and a couple memes there...I have a sneaking suspcion that I will eventually be a full blown convert.
So since last time then I've turned 26, Christmas has come and gone (faster than I like), my cousin (younger) is engaged, and tomorrow will be a new year.
The past couple of years I haven't really looked forward to my birthday, but this year I was much happier and okay with getting another year closer to thirty (this is a scary number for people my age -- not because we think it's old but because it really is the point where you can't fall back on being a kid anymore). So I have to thank everyone who thought about me and gave me a shout out on their journal, texted me, or sent me a card. They really made my day!
Christmas was nice. I actually saw my dad which hasn't happened in at least 5 years and I wrote him a positive but honest letter for his present. He really appreciated it, which I was worried that he wouldn't. My mom got me a Discover gift card so I could get new glasses -- this may sound boring but my lenses alone cost two to three hundred dollars so I was pretty stoked.
As mentioned before, my cousin on my mom's side is engaged. I really like his fiance and she even asked me to be a bridesmade since he and I have no each other forever (literarly for him -- he's 24, will be 25 in June) and pretty much grew up together. We've kind of lost touch so I'm hoping maybe we can re-connect a little through her and the wedding. It's going to be in november of '09 and I was told that it'll be low-key and that she wants her bridemades in black dresses wearing Chucks -- tacky to some, but I think it's awesome. My aunt actually wore cowboy boots with her wedding dress.
I don't really have any resolutions for the new year -- just to keep doing what I'm doing and basically just continue to pull my shit together both physically and mentally. And of course I hope my muse is fruitful and I write a lot.
I feel like I'm going through a new phase with my writing, so I've been focusing on longer "one-shots" or single chapter stories away from the verse that I had been writing in...so it's taking me a little longer to get things done, but I also feel like I may be growing a bit as a writer...I hope at least...maybe I'm just deluding myself...lol.
Happy New Year to all!
So since last time then I've turned 26, Christmas has come and gone (faster than I like), my cousin (younger) is engaged, and tomorrow will be a new year.
The past couple of years I haven't really looked forward to my birthday, but this year I was much happier and okay with getting another year closer to thirty (this is a scary number for people my age -- not because we think it's old but because it really is the point where you can't fall back on being a kid anymore). So I have to thank everyone who thought about me and gave me a shout out on their journal, texted me, or sent me a card. They really made my day!
Christmas was nice. I actually saw my dad which hasn't happened in at least 5 years and I wrote him a positive but honest letter for his present. He really appreciated it, which I was worried that he wouldn't. My mom got me a Discover gift card so I could get new glasses -- this may sound boring but my lenses alone cost two to three hundred dollars so I was pretty stoked.
As mentioned before, my cousin on my mom's side is engaged. I really like his fiance and she even asked me to be a bridesmade since he and I have no each other forever (literarly for him -- he's 24, will be 25 in June) and pretty much grew up together. We've kind of lost touch so I'm hoping maybe we can re-connect a little through her and the wedding. It's going to be in november of '09 and I was told that it'll be low-key and that she wants her bridemades in black dresses wearing Chucks -- tacky to some, but I think it's awesome. My aunt actually wore cowboy boots with her wedding dress.
I don't really have any resolutions for the new year -- just to keep doing what I'm doing and basically just continue to pull my shit together both physically and mentally. And of course I hope my muse is fruitful and I write a lot.
I feel like I'm going through a new phase with my writing, so I've been focusing on longer "one-shots" or single chapter stories away from the verse that I had been writing in...so it's taking me a little longer to get things done, but I also feel like I may be growing a bit as a writer...I hope at least...maybe I'm just deluding myself...lol.
Happy New Year to all!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A Day of Suck
Why is it that all the blows come in one day?
First off, I somehow lost $20. We ordered lunch and I ran my debit card for $30 and then took the cash from one of the cash payments that I processed, but then when I was short $20 bucks when I went to do the deposit this afternoon. I have no idea how that happened.
Plus I'm menstrual and sometimes I seriously think I have that PMDD, you know the mondo PMS because some months...it's bad.
Then I had a customer call looking for a refund, which normally I can take care of easily, but this was an out of market return -- they bought in the East Carolina market but then returned here. In this case the orginal market has to actually issue the refund and we ship them back their equipment. Well she's been waiting three weeks for a refund, so I called the other markets inventory/returns person and he was a complete dick to me.
I apparently sent it to the wrong address and he won't process the return until he actually has the equipment, which he should have within the next couple of days. It was a miscommunication on both our parts, but the customer shouldn't be punished for that. Naturally I didn't say that because whenever I'm face with a confrontation I shut down into a bumbing idiot.
I asked him to expadite the return. To which he said, "I will not expadite a return until I have the equipment in my hand."
I asked him to call the customer (since in the end it is there responsibility and not ours).
Mr. Dick: "Why would I do that?"
Because you can give more information than I can (this I did actually say though with not as much attitude as I wish I had).
We went back and forth and finally he goes, "I don't time have to go back and forth with you." Like I fucking do? "What's the customer's number?"
I hate when I get put in situations like this because I seriously nearly have a panic attack. My face gets hot, my hands shake, and I'm near tears. It's embarrassing and it makes me feel utterly stupis because logically I know it's not that big of a deal, but to me it is. The real ass kicker is that afterwards I know all the right things to say to argue my point and to be more assertive but in the moment I just sound like an idiot.
It's just hits me really hard because I already feel socially inept on a good day, but on a bad day not only do I not fit in, but I also feel like I really I have nothing to offer anyone.
Then to top everything off my dad had to call -- righ after I wrapped things up with Mr. Dick, granted I didn't call him back until later, but my dad can sometimes make or break my day.
We maybe talk once a month and whenever I do talk to him I get hounded to call him more. I did initiate the last call we had...it was the day after the election and it was probably the best talk I had had with him in a really long time, but then today he hounds me about calling him still. What didn't he call before now?
It feels like he puts all the responsbility of our relationship on me and I don't want that responsibility. For once I want to be the kid and I want him to be the parent. But I know it's never going to be that way because it never has been and that I just need to let it go, but I can't. I'm not sure which pisses me off more the fact that that's the way it is or that I can't get past it.
But why should I just get past it? I want a dad and I should be angry that I never really had one. I know I had more than a lot of people. I at least have known him my whole life, unlike my cousin and her father, but sometimes I wish I didn't know him. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just not know, because there are a handful of memories where he actually felt like a dad, but it's not enough to just have that tease of a brief memory or to watch him be more like a dad to strangers' kids (those who took horse-back riding lessons from him) than he did me.
He was always uncomfortable around me and I think he was always afraid that he might hurt me. And I get it, I do. I understand why he's kept me at arms length and why he is the way he is, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I know he wants a relationship with me, but i just don't feel like he'll ever meet me half-way. My aunt (the one that lives in TX) even told me that I'll have to the one to initiate the big conversations and the relationship. But it's a lot to take on and it's really hard to get past my resentment so that I even can reach out.
He did say that he's coming to Xmas Eve this year at my cousins. I don't think I've seen him durring a holiday in four years, at least. I hope he really does come because I do want to see him, but it's still hard.
Okay...I feel a little better that I've gotten that out, so I'm going to go eat some dinner and hope tommorrow is better.
First off, I somehow lost $20. We ordered lunch and I ran my debit card for $30 and then took the cash from one of the cash payments that I processed, but then when I was short $20 bucks when I went to do the deposit this afternoon. I have no idea how that happened.
Plus I'm menstrual and sometimes I seriously think I have that PMDD, you know the mondo PMS because some months...it's bad.
Then I had a customer call looking for a refund, which normally I can take care of easily, but this was an out of market return -- they bought in the East Carolina market but then returned here. In this case the orginal market has to actually issue the refund and we ship them back their equipment. Well she's been waiting three weeks for a refund, so I called the other markets inventory/returns person and he was a complete dick to me.
I apparently sent it to the wrong address and he won't process the return until he actually has the equipment, which he should have within the next couple of days. It was a miscommunication on both our parts, but the customer shouldn't be punished for that. Naturally I didn't say that because whenever I'm face with a confrontation I shut down into a bumbing idiot.
I asked him to expadite the return. To which he said, "I will not expadite a return until I have the equipment in my hand."
I asked him to call the customer (since in the end it is there responsibility and not ours).
Mr. Dick: "Why would I do that?"
Because you can give more information than I can (this I did actually say though with not as much attitude as I wish I had).
We went back and forth and finally he goes, "I don't time have to go back and forth with you." Like I fucking do? "What's the customer's number?"
I hate when I get put in situations like this because I seriously nearly have a panic attack. My face gets hot, my hands shake, and I'm near tears. It's embarrassing and it makes me feel utterly stupis because logically I know it's not that big of a deal, but to me it is. The real ass kicker is that afterwards I know all the right things to say to argue my point and to be more assertive but in the moment I just sound like an idiot.
It's just hits me really hard because I already feel socially inept on a good day, but on a bad day not only do I not fit in, but I also feel like I really I have nothing to offer anyone.
Then to top everything off my dad had to call -- righ after I wrapped things up with Mr. Dick, granted I didn't call him back until later, but my dad can sometimes make or break my day.
We maybe talk once a month and whenever I do talk to him I get hounded to call him more. I did initiate the last call we had...it was the day after the election and it was probably the best talk I had had with him in a really long time, but then today he hounds me about calling him still. What didn't he call before now?
It feels like he puts all the responsbility of our relationship on me and I don't want that responsibility. For once I want to be the kid and I want him to be the parent. But I know it's never going to be that way because it never has been and that I just need to let it go, but I can't. I'm not sure which pisses me off more the fact that that's the way it is or that I can't get past it.
But why should I just get past it? I want a dad and I should be angry that I never really had one. I know I had more than a lot of people. I at least have known him my whole life, unlike my cousin and her father, but sometimes I wish I didn't know him. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just not know, because there are a handful of memories where he actually felt like a dad, but it's not enough to just have that tease of a brief memory or to watch him be more like a dad to strangers' kids (those who took horse-back riding lessons from him) than he did me.
He was always uncomfortable around me and I think he was always afraid that he might hurt me. And I get it, I do. I understand why he's kept me at arms length and why he is the way he is, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I know he wants a relationship with me, but i just don't feel like he'll ever meet me half-way. My aunt (the one that lives in TX) even told me that I'll have to the one to initiate the big conversations and the relationship. But it's a lot to take on and it's really hard to get past my resentment so that I even can reach out.
He did say that he's coming to Xmas Eve this year at my cousins. I don't think I've seen him durring a holiday in four years, at least. I hope he really does come because I do want to see him, but it's still hard.
Okay...I feel a little better that I've gotten that out, so I'm going to go eat some dinner and hope tommorrow is better.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
A new fan fic discovery
In my perusing of livejournal this week I found a journal by justanotherfic that includes some really wonderful LOCI fan fic. The ones I have read so far are subtle B/A ships, but I think anyone would enjoy them because they are subtle.
Here's the direct link to the two I have read so far:
Infinite Regress
It's a post-ep of sorts for "Frame"
and...if you prefer a little humor mixed in with the angst here's one that takes place around the time of "Betrayal:"
The Queen of Fucking Everything
guess who the queen is
Here's the direct link to the two I have read so far:
Infinite Regress
It's a post-ep of sorts for "Frame"
and...if you prefer a little humor mixed in with the angst here's one that takes place around the time of "Betrayal:"
The Queen of Fucking Everything
guess who the queen is
Thursday, December 4, 2008
A meme after my own heart
Found this meme about movies at Goddessdster's Livejournal.
01. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times
Oh geez. Labyrinth
02. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in a theatre?
Titanic -- I was 15 and all my friends were doing it
03. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.
Vincent D'Onofrio, Cate Blancett, Kathryn Erbe, Edward Norton
05. Name a movie that you can quote from.
LOL...there are way more than I ever should admit to, but here's a few: My Cousin Vinny, Jumping Jack Flash, Wayne World, Happy Accidents
06. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs.
Disney's Beauty and the Beast
07. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.
Grease
08. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.
Happy Accidents
09. Name a movie that you own.
Alot, but I'll recomend The Royal Tennebaums
10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Mos Def, most definitly. I heard that he always intended to be an actor and music just kind of happened
11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?
Sadly no
12. Ever made out in a movie?
No
13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't gotten around to it yet?
oh there's a lot. Guy is a major one that I want to see but can't find anywhere.
14. Ever walked out of a movie?
no
15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
Titanic -- again I was 15 and all my friends were doing it
16. Popcorn?
Sure with a nice cold coke
17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?
Not very often anymore.
18. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
The Dark Knight
19. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Don't really have one. I like a bit of everything, but I guess I am partial to family dramas (quirky family dramas)
20. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
don't know
21. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
um...I'm not sure. Nothing pops out at me
22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
OldBoy. It has uncomfortable subject matter, but it's wonderfully done. The visual cues are brillant and the score is just goregous.
23. What is the scariest movie you've ever seen?
It -- Tim Curry as an evil clown and me a little kid...no, no.
24. What is the funniest movie you've ever seen?
Oh...I don't know. But My Big Fat Greek Wedding was refreshing when it came out.
01. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times
Oh geez. Labyrinth
02. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in a theatre?
Titanic -- I was 15 and all my friends were doing it
03. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.
Vincent D'Onofrio, Cate Blancett, Kathryn Erbe, Edward Norton
05. Name a movie that you can quote from.
LOL...there are way more than I ever should admit to, but here's a few: My Cousin Vinny, Jumping Jack Flash, Wayne World, Happy Accidents
06. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs.
Disney's Beauty and the Beast
07. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.
Grease
08. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.
Happy Accidents
09. Name a movie that you own.
Alot, but I'll recomend The Royal Tennebaums
10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Mos Def, most definitly. I heard that he always intended to be an actor and music just kind of happened
11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?
Sadly no
12. Ever made out in a movie?
No
13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't gotten around to it yet?
oh there's a lot. Guy is a major one that I want to see but can't find anywhere.
14. Ever walked out of a movie?
no
15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
Titanic -- again I was 15 and all my friends were doing it
16. Popcorn?
Sure with a nice cold coke
17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?
Not very often anymore.
18. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
The Dark Knight
19. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Don't really have one. I like a bit of everything, but I guess I am partial to family dramas (quirky family dramas)
20. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
don't know
21. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
um...I'm not sure. Nothing pops out at me
22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
OldBoy. It has uncomfortable subject matter, but it's wonderfully done. The visual cues are brillant and the score is just goregous.
23. What is the scariest movie you've ever seen?
It -- Tim Curry as an evil clown and me a little kid...no, no.
24. What is the funniest movie you've ever seen?
Oh...I don't know. But My Big Fat Greek Wedding was refreshing when it came out.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tell me something good...
Well it's been a while...again.
My brain has been over run recently by all the jumbled ideas I have in my head at the moment and trying to smooth them out and find one concise story with in the jumbled thoughts. I do have one story almost done. I have someone editing now, which I'm excited about, but am also fearful that it will only validate the fact that I'm not nearly as talented as I like to think I am. But in the end it'll be good because it never fails: I read and re-read a story/chapter over and over before I post it, I'll post it, go back and read it again later and find some blaring mistake that grates my nerves like when you find a piece of dust right after you finished cleaning.
So I have that one story and then I think I have finally narrowed my focus on the bigger/casefile story that I've been trying to figure out...hopefully anyway. I've been in a phase where I'll write the first chapter or two of an idea and then get stuck...hopefully the must has finally decided wants to do though, since some ideas have been consolidated.
Also I've decided to livejournal a try when it comes to posting my fan fiction. I've been moving some of my old stories to my other blogger page, but don't care for it when it comes to stories. So, I'm going to move things over there and then when I have new stuff will post there and at fanfiction.net.
Thanksgiving was nice. It was a long day, mostly because I was fighting off a cold last week and was feeling very tired. I was downing orange juice and vitamins like they were going out of style...but they did something because I never got full blown sick just that feeling like my body was fighting not to get sick. You know what I mean?
I think the vitamins are even helping my skin, which gets ridiculously dried out in the winter.
I ate way to much over the course of the weekend and am dreading going to my weightwatchers meeting tonight because I really don't want to know how much damage I did. But I'm getting back on track slowly and it'll be okay.
The weekend also got me thinking about the possibility of maybe moving back home. I live about an hour and half away from my family, which in my family is a long ways away considering that my mom and all of her siblings still live in the same area they grew up in. I've been in Richmond for about 8 years now and was resistant to move back home right after I graduated.
I grew up just me and mom most of the time and we were very co-dependant on each other. I guess I felt like I needed the distance for me not to be so dependant on her, but she is still co-dependant on me. But I was thinking it might be nice now to start thinking about moving back and to be closer to my family. I've been building a friendship with my cousin on my dad's side and it'd be nice to actually be there to see each other more often. And to see her daughter more. Then one of my other cousins is engaged! Plus my best friend is closer then and most of the friends I accumalted in college have moved away.
I don't really know what has been keeping me here. I guess I just needed to be independent for a while and not feel like my identity was wrapped up in my mom's or in my family's. Maybe I've actually made some headway in that feeling since I kind of want to move back there.
There's a lot to think about before I make any sort of desicion and I'd have to find an apartment and a job all while living an hour away.
That's really all I've got. Hopefully I'll get back to posting more regularly soon. Though sometimes I don't think it's up to me, but the muses and ideas that seem to take hold of my brain.
My brain has been over run recently by all the jumbled ideas I have in my head at the moment and trying to smooth them out and find one concise story with in the jumbled thoughts. I do have one story almost done. I have someone editing now, which I'm excited about, but am also fearful that it will only validate the fact that I'm not nearly as talented as I like to think I am. But in the end it'll be good because it never fails: I read and re-read a story/chapter over and over before I post it, I'll post it, go back and read it again later and find some blaring mistake that grates my nerves like when you find a piece of dust right after you finished cleaning.
So I have that one story and then I think I have finally narrowed my focus on the bigger/casefile story that I've been trying to figure out...hopefully anyway. I've been in a phase where I'll write the first chapter or two of an idea and then get stuck...hopefully the must has finally decided wants to do though, since some ideas have been consolidated.
Also I've decided to livejournal a try when it comes to posting my fan fiction. I've been moving some of my old stories to my other blogger page, but don't care for it when it comes to stories. So, I'm going to move things over there and then when I have new stuff will post there and at fanfiction.net.
Thanksgiving was nice. It was a long day, mostly because I was fighting off a cold last week and was feeling very tired. I was downing orange juice and vitamins like they were going out of style...but they did something because I never got full blown sick just that feeling like my body was fighting not to get sick. You know what I mean?
I think the vitamins are even helping my skin, which gets ridiculously dried out in the winter.
I ate way to much over the course of the weekend and am dreading going to my weightwatchers meeting tonight because I really don't want to know how much damage I did. But I'm getting back on track slowly and it'll be okay.
The weekend also got me thinking about the possibility of maybe moving back home. I live about an hour and half away from my family, which in my family is a long ways away considering that my mom and all of her siblings still live in the same area they grew up in. I've been in Richmond for about 8 years now and was resistant to move back home right after I graduated.
I grew up just me and mom most of the time and we were very co-dependant on each other. I guess I felt like I needed the distance for me not to be so dependant on her, but she is still co-dependant on me. But I was thinking it might be nice now to start thinking about moving back and to be closer to my family. I've been building a friendship with my cousin on my dad's side and it'd be nice to actually be there to see each other more often. And to see her daughter more. Then one of my other cousins is engaged! Plus my best friend is closer then and most of the friends I accumalted in college have moved away.
I don't really know what has been keeping me here. I guess I just needed to be independent for a while and not feel like my identity was wrapped up in my mom's or in my family's. Maybe I've actually made some headway in that feeling since I kind of want to move back there.
There's a lot to think about before I make any sort of desicion and I'd have to find an apartment and a job all while living an hour away.
That's really all I've got. Hopefully I'll get back to posting more regularly soon. Though sometimes I don't think it's up to me, but the muses and ideas that seem to take hold of my brain.
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