Once an Addict...

I have an addictive personality. Hell, every cell in my body is probably branded with a scarlet "A" screaming "addict here, addict here!" I come by this behavior very naturally. My father's a struggling alcholoic and long time smoker as is his father and mother, and most of his siblings (I think you see the pattern).

Now, I don't smoke and I very rarely drink. Up until a couple years ago I was afraid to drink even socially because I know I have that addict DNA. I may get the addictive personality from my dad, but my drug of choice I get from my mom: food.

I know some people refuse to see people who are overweight as having an eating disorder like those who have bulimia and anorexia, but it is. All three have the mindset and use the same excuses as any alcholic or crack head. It's about control, it's about that brief high you get when you're shoveling cheese ravioli in your mouth and that full feeling you get afterwards. It's about making yourself feel whole by using something that in the end is just going to leave you more empty.

But food issues are different from other addict behaviors because you can't just stop eating. No one has to drink beer to survive, but you gotta eat. God do I wish I never had to look at another piece of food again because it would make my life so much easier, but that leads to the whole withering and dying thing which I don't want.

So I have re-learn how to eat and pay attention to everything I put in my mouth. I recently joined Weight Watchers and for the first time I'm really trying to do this. The first couple days were rough because I was basically detoxing myself off of the heavy, fatty foods that my body is used to getting. Those first few days eating healthy I felt pretty sickly, because I wasn't getting as many calories as I was used to.

But the great thing about Weight Watchers is that it's not about a quick fix diet, it's about re-learning behavior and not depriving yourself which are the keys to truly successful weight-loss because it prompts long-term success. My group leader also said something that really struck me (and was part of the inspiration for this post) at the first meeting I went to and that was, "I will always have a weight problem."

Once an addict always an addict. It's very true, because no matter how healthy I may get I know I will always have that urge to over-eat whether it's because I had a shitty day or am just bored. I have to constantly make the choice not to over-eat.

So far I'm doing pretty well, but am still struggling with how to not over do it one way or the other because a lot of time when we go on diets we start going in the opposite direction and deprive ourselves, which is just as unhealthy as giving ourselves more than we need. It's a balancing act that I have to walk every day and hopefully I'm going to be able to do it this time, because I want to break the unhealthy cycles in both my dad's and my mom's family.