Question

Is there a way to reply to comments through this site? Because I was trying to find a way, but didn't see any.

Once an Addict...

I have an addictive personality. Hell, every cell in my body is probably branded with a scarlet "A" screaming "addict here, addict here!" I come by this behavior very naturally. My father's a struggling alcholoic and long time smoker as is his father and mother, and most of his siblings (I think you see the pattern).

Now, I don't smoke and I very rarely drink. Up until a couple years ago I was afraid to drink even socially because I know I have that addict DNA. I may get the addictive personality from my dad, but my drug of choice I get from my mom: food.

I know some people refuse to see people who are overweight as having an eating disorder like those who have bulimia and anorexia, but it is. All three have the mindset and use the same excuses as any alcholic or crack head. It's about control, it's about that brief high you get when you're shoveling cheese ravioli in your mouth and that full feeling you get afterwards. It's about making yourself feel whole by using something that in the end is just going to leave you more empty.

But food issues are different from other addict behaviors because you can't just stop eating. No one has to drink beer to survive, but you gotta eat. God do I wish I never had to look at another piece of food again because it would make my life so much easier, but that leads to the whole withering and dying thing which I don't want.

So I have re-learn how to eat and pay attention to everything I put in my mouth. I recently joined Weight Watchers and for the first time I'm really trying to do this. The first couple days were rough because I was basically detoxing myself off of the heavy, fatty foods that my body is used to getting. Those first few days eating healthy I felt pretty sickly, because I wasn't getting as many calories as I was used to.

But the great thing about Weight Watchers is that it's not about a quick fix diet, it's about re-learning behavior and not depriving yourself which are the keys to truly successful weight-loss because it prompts long-term success. My group leader also said something that really struck me (and was part of the inspiration for this post) at the first meeting I went to and that was, "I will always have a weight problem."

Once an addict always an addict. It's very true, because no matter how healthy I may get I know I will always have that urge to over-eat whether it's because I had a shitty day or am just bored. I have to constantly make the choice not to over-eat.

So far I'm doing pretty well, but am still struggling with how to not over do it one way or the other because a lot of time when we go on diets we start going in the opposite direction and deprive ourselves, which is just as unhealthy as giving ourselves more than we need. It's a balancing act that I have to walk every day and hopefully I'm going to be able to do it this time, because I want to break the unhealthy cycles in both my dad's and my mom's family.

Why I Just Can't Get into Anime...

I used to work at a DVD store, Suncoast, while I was in my last few years of college and because it was in the "ghetto" mall (and on the bus line) we met some pretty interesting characters. One of which was this mentally challenged middle-aged man who had the dirtiest mind ever. His name was Anthony. He would always come in and peruse the playboy section (we didn't sell actual porn just "girls gone wild" and stuff of that nature) and hit on which ever female was working there at the time. For the majority of the time that I was there I was the only girl working with a bunch of guys, but they were all good guys so it was okay, but it also made me the main object of Anthony's affection. His main line was asking us to be his nurse and yes I mean in the totally dirty way. I still throw up a little inside at the thought, but all and all he was harmless...just annoying.

The truly interesting people were the Anime kids. I know we all have our things and with the way I talk about LOCI and Joss Whedon, people probably wouldn't be surprised if I turned out to be a creepy stalker one day, but I'm not. The hardcore Anime fans really have a look and culture all their own and get whatever memorabilia they can get their hands on. They would spend hours in the back of the store (we basically had two walls dedicated just to Anime...everything you can think of was there: DVDs, Mangas, action figures, plush toys...everything). And there were groups that would just camp out and then spend hundred of dollars at a time.

I had people (even one co-worker) try to get me to watch some of it and I did try, but I just couldn't get into it. Then we started carrying hentai, which pretty much closed the door on my Anime exploration. For anyone who doesn't know, hentai is Anime porn, and it's not like normal porn because it's all torture/rape based and there's things with tentacles. My friend, Thalen, and I were pretty disturbed when we saw the covers to these things because they didn't leave much to the imagination (hence why I know about the tentacles).

Well this weekend I got exposed to some Anime for the first time in a couple of years. I was visiting my best friend and her and I have very, very different tastes in movies and TV. I like darker, more realistic stuff and she likes things on the cuter, more romantic side. So she got me to watch some episodes of this Anime that she had been watching online and it was this high school drama/romance. Now even on shows that I love (Buffy), the tortured teenage romance kind of gets on my nerves, so I kind of found this Anime a little ridiculous. The characters were just idiotic. I got the same feeling I got when watching "Reality Bites" because I was one of the few who wanted Winona Ryder to kick Ethan Hawk to the curb. I'm sorry but being a tortured artist doesn't give you the right to be a jerk and in this Anime, who does the witless girl choose? The jerk. The girl just kept reminding me of an Anne Sexton poem on the story of Snow White in which she refers to Snow White as a "dumb bunny" because of all the times the witch is able to trick her, and that's how I saw this Anime girl. Maybe it's just my western, feminist ideas that prevent me from getting into this stuff because I just have no sympathy for female characters like this.

Besides the story though, I didn't understand some of the animation choices. They would do close-ups of the characters and all of the sudden the character would only have one eye. That really bugged me for some reason because I don't understand the point of it. Then other times the whole face would disappear and suddenly they were No Face from "Dick Tracey." Is this just a budget thing or is there some emotional symbolic meaning that I'm ignorant to? Seriously, I want to know.

I'm sure there is some Anime out there some where that I would enjoy because I hate to dismiss a hole genre out of my own ignorance but so far I feel better sticking to the live action stuff where eyes and faces don't disappear at random.

Obsessions You'll Hear Me Harp On

I love analyzing everything. I over analyze really to the point where I pick apart every little thing people do, which leaves me a little a paranoid sometimes. I'm one of those people that can't stop from wondering if their reaction or lack of is the result of something I did. Is this arrogant and insane? Yes. I actually read an article about this and felt better to know I'm not the only one who does this. I also tend to over think potential choices laid in front of me too, which leaves me indecisive. It's something I am working on when it comes to relationships and decision making, but something I love about myself when it comes to picking apart texts.

I use the term "text" pretty broadly. Anything you see that in some way shape or form can be "read" can be considered a "text." Books, billboards, films, TV shows, commercials are all texts. I watch and read things that I like to analyze.

Joss Whedon is a constant obsession of mine. The man is brilliant and humble and I can't encourage people enough to check out his work even if the title "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" makes you scoff. Whedon himself has said that it is not a great title for a TV series. It's gives too much away about the series, but it is also a series that only got more interesting and smarter as it grew. If you can't see yourself getting into "Buffy" start with "Firefly." I had a friend who initially couldn't stand Buffy, but got introduced to Joss Whedon through "Firefly" and now loves "Buffy" and "Angel" as well. "Firefly" is most definitely the most complex and interesting piece of work Whedon has done.

My current on going obsession is Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Mostly because of Goren and Eames, who are both played wonderfully by Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe (though I'm a little uneasy and disappointed with where the writers are taking them thus far this season, but I'm still holding out hope for some light). It got to the point where I even started reading Fan Fiction for the show, particularly those that shipped Goren and Eames (of course at the time I didn't even know what the term "shipping" meant). Once I ran out of stories to read, I started getting ideas of my own and gave in to start writing them.

Despite being the most overlooked Law and Order, I think it has the most interesting and complex characters and some really talented writers on staff.

I'm sure there are other things I will rant about if I'm able to maintain this. I've never done a blog before, so be patient with me if I'm a little slow with things. I guess I'm a disappointment to my generation since I'm really not very savvy when it comes to the Internet and such, but hey, sometimes too much technology can be a bad thing. Just read any Philip K. Dick novel.