A Day of Suck

Why is it that all the blows come in one day?

First off, I somehow lost $20. We ordered lunch and I ran my debit card for $30 and then took the cash from one of the cash payments that I processed, but then when I was short $20 bucks when I went to do the deposit this afternoon. I have no idea how that happened.

Plus I'm menstrual and sometimes I seriously think I have that PMDD, you know the mondo PMS because some months...it's bad.

Then I had a customer call looking for a refund, which normally I can take care of easily, but this was an out of market return -- they bought in the East Carolina market but then returned here. In this case the orginal market has to actually issue the refund and we ship them back their equipment. Well she's been waiting three weeks for a refund, so I called the other markets inventory/returns person and he was a complete dick to me.

I apparently sent it to the wrong address and he won't process the return until he actually has the equipment, which he should have within the next couple of days. It was a miscommunication on both our parts, but the customer shouldn't be punished for that. Naturally I didn't say that because whenever I'm face with a confrontation I shut down into a bumbing idiot.

I asked him to expadite the return. To which he said, "I will not expadite a return until I have the equipment in my hand."

I asked him to call the customer (since in the end it is there responsibility and not ours).

Mr. Dick: "Why would I do that?"

Because you can give more information than I can (this I did actually say though with not as much attitude as I wish I had).

We went back and forth and finally he goes, "I don't time have to go back and forth with you." Like I fucking do? "What's the customer's number?"

I hate when I get put in situations like this because I seriously nearly have a panic attack. My face gets hot, my hands shake, and I'm near tears. It's embarrassing and it makes me feel utterly stupis because logically I know it's not that big of a deal, but to me it is. The real ass kicker is that afterwards I know all the right things to say to argue my point and to be more assertive but in the moment I just sound like an idiot.

It's just hits me really hard because I already feel socially inept on a good day, but on a bad day not only do I not fit in, but I also feel like I really I have nothing to offer anyone.

Then to top everything off my dad had to call -- righ after I wrapped things up with Mr. Dick, granted I didn't call him back until later, but my dad can sometimes make or break my day.

We maybe talk once a month and whenever I do talk to him I get hounded to call him more. I did initiate the last call we had...it was the day after the election and it was probably the best talk I had had with him in a really long time, but then today he hounds me about calling him still. What didn't he call before now?

It feels like he puts all the responsbility of our relationship on me and I don't want that responsibility. For once I want to be the kid and I want him to be the parent. But I know it's never going to be that way because it never has been and that I just need to let it go, but I can't. I'm not sure which pisses me off more the fact that that's the way it is or that I can't get past it.

But why should I just get past it? I want a dad and I should be angry that I never really had one. I know I had more than a lot of people. I at least have known him my whole life, unlike my cousin and her father, but sometimes I wish I didn't know him. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just not know, because there are a handful of memories where he actually felt like a dad, but it's not enough to just have that tease of a brief memory or to watch him be more like a dad to strangers' kids (those who took horse-back riding lessons from him) than he did me.

He was always uncomfortable around me and I think he was always afraid that he might hurt me. And I get it, I do. I understand why he's kept me at arms length and why he is the way he is, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I know he wants a relationship with me, but i just don't feel like he'll ever meet me half-way. My aunt (the one that lives in TX) even told me that I'll have to the one to initiate the big conversations and the relationship. But it's a lot to take on and it's really hard to get past my resentment so that I even can reach out.

He did say that he's coming to Xmas Eve this year at my cousins. I don't think I've seen him durring a holiday in four years, at least. I hope he really does come because I do want to see him, but it's still hard.

Okay...I feel a little better that I've gotten that out, so I'm going to go eat some dinner and hope tommorrow is better.